One Year As An Angel…

“I fought for you. The hardest, it made me the strongest.

So tell me your secrets, I just can’t stand to see you leaving.

But heaven couldn’t wait for you…”

– Beyoncé, “Heaven”

Today marks the one year anniversary of Zoey’s death. It feels like it was just yesterday when I returned home from my vacation in Miami to the news that Zoey most likely wouldn’t make it through the night. She had been sick and unable to walk for about a month by then so I knew that we would have to part ways by the end of the year… But I wasn’t ready on May 28th. I still cry about missing her; I think the last time was in late March or early April. I still talk about her, think about her and look at pictures of her. Actually, her picture is still on the lock screen of my iPhone. But don’t get it twisted, I have come to terms with her death and I did that a long time ago. I’m just grateful that I had her in my life for seven amazing years. I learned so much about being selfless and putting someone else’s needs before my own from taking care of her. I know for a fact that I would not be as equipped to love and take care of a child (or anyone else) if I had not had Zoey in my life. Of course I still miss Zoey, but more importantly, I still love her and I appreciate the time I had with her and the lessons learned/memories made during that time. I’m not one of those people who tries to forget that someone died and never talk about them again when they are gone. That’s why I still talk about Zoey as much as I do. I don’t want to forget how she felt, how she smelled, or how good she made me feel. I do what I can to keep her memory alive. I love you. I miss you.


Mama, I Love You

“Every other day I crossed the line, I didn’t mean to be so bad,

I never thought you would become the friend I never had.”

– Spice Girls, “Mama”

It’s funny how some things in life end up coming full circle. As a child, you adore your parents for being adult-sized playmates. As a preteen/teen, sometimes you begin to resent them for attempting to stop you from making the same mistakes that they made when they were your age. And as an adult, you begin to identify with them more and see them in a whole new light.

This is exactly what has happened with me and the two most important women in my life: my mother and my grandmother. I really put them through the wringer as a teenager with my “stank” attitude and moody disposition; something I feel really terrible about now that I am in my twenties although it is very common with teenage girls. Now I have the most loving, respecting and stable relationship with them (although my mother and I still clash at times). We are friends. And that is something that I never thought would happen. As a matter of fact, my seventeen year old self would have laughed in your face if you would have predicted this outcome. But it really is true; I see my mother and my grandmother as two of my best friends. I have other friends that are my age, of course. But my mom and grandma are the friends who I will always have and who I can trust to never betray me or lead me in the wrong direction. It’s rare to find that in a person. So I feel lucky to have two beautiful women who love me and would do anything to keep me happy. Now that I am old enough to look back on all the lectures I got from them as a child/teen and see the love behind it instead of the criticism, I feel obligated to reciprocate that love and also pay it forward to my own children (whenever I have some). I’ve learned so much about life from my mom and grandma. I would not be the person that I am today without the two of them. Happy Mother’s Day.

Milestones: #TheBigDay

“I’m reppin’ for the girls who taking over the world,

Help me raise a glass for the college grads.”

– Beyoncé, “Run The World (Girls)”

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So I am graduating from North Carolina State University in less than twenty-four hours with my Bachelor’s degree in Communications. Ironically, I’m still not quite as excited as one would think I should be. However, I am VERY excited about going to The Cheesecake Factory after the ceremony and eating everything in sight. So, while other graduates are pre-gaming and getting ready to dance their butts off at the club tonight… I am listening to Beyoncé songs and reading “30 Things Every Woman Should Have & Should Know By The Time She’s 30” (random book that I bought for myself today)… Oh, and writing a blog post. Sounds fun, right? I considered going out and getting wasted like a regular person would, but it’s more important to me that I look good (meaning “not sick/hungover”) at the ceremony tomorrow because a lot of money was spent on my dress, shoes and hair. I can always go out and party tomorrow night anyway… It’s not like the clubs won’t be open.

So what’s next? I have no idea. I don’t know if I want to go to grad school. I don’t know if I want to take the GRE. I don’t know if I want to move away from home; although I am open to it if a good opportunity comes my way. I’m thinking I will just keep working with the temporary agency that has been sending me out on assignments for awhile and see if I can get something long-term now, since I had limited availability during the semester. In the meantime, I’ll be applying for jobs elsewhere and seeing what sticks. I don’t know. On another note, my graduation gifts have been EXCELLENT. This is so much better than Christmas because I’m like the only one who’s getting gifts! Except for my mom, since Mother’s Day is literally the day after I graduate. But I don’t mind sharing my spotlight with her since she, you know, gave birth to me.

Anyway… Back to reading my new book and watching Beyoncé YouTube videos so I can attempt to get pumped up for tomorrow. I don’t know why I’m having such a lackluster response to one of the biggest moments in my life thus far. I guess it’s because I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I am a J (Myers-Briggs) so I get more excited about actual plans, like my “graduation trip” to the Dominican Republic later this year. Plus the actual graduation ceremony is just a show for the family anyway. But Beyoncé videos/songs can usually help me get excited/motivated too, hence the quote at the beginning of this post. So I guess that will have to do, for now.